My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
