I want to walk on stilts...naked
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
