shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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