Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
