dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
