we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
