Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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