Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
