wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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