Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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