Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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