3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
