Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
