You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
