hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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