Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
