I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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