I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
