Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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