Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
