White coat. Heels.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
