I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
