We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
