i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
