I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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