Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
