what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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