There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
