I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
