Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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