ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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