Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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