Me. At least after what I've been through.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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