you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
