I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
