Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
