But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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