I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
