I just threw up on my dentist
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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