The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
