I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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