i think i have two assholes
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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