3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
