I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
