yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
