"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
