The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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