I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
