Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
