Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
